To the Pseudogoths (content warning: corny as hell)

June 02, 2026

To the Pseudogoths (content warning: corny as hell)

In a friend's basemeent in 2006? 2007? 2008?

I turn 32 today - which means I'm basically 40, which means I'm basically 50, and it has me feeling kind of fucked up but also nostalgic. Growing up as a weird kid meant that society's expectations for my future always felt like threats: a heternormative nuclear family complete with a genetically abhorrent golden doodle, and a dumb desk job where I answer to a man less competent than me. I knew in my heart that those things were simply not in the cards for me. So I spent a lot of time carving out a niche for myself in the world, even as a young kid, and it seems to have paid off. I am forever indebted to the younger versions of myself who had the nerve (and frankly the energy) to find the longest, most winding road and to follow that path wherever it takes me. One thing about me is I'll take the hard road if the easy one puts me somewhere I'm not supposed to be.

I feel I'm generally too old to be talking about my middle school experience, but I'll make an exception here. I remember a brief hallway conversation with my history teacher about the subcultural networks that existed in our school and my inaccurate label as "goth kid". Even at the time I knew I didn't listen to enough Skinny Puppy to be an actual goth, but in the context of a Long Island suburb, sure, whatever, it worked. I wasn't gunna correct a bunch of middle schoolers so they could more effectively bully me, but I definitely felt more punk-aligned: I wore a safety pin in my ear that my grandmother absolutely fucking hated (which made me keep it in longer 👼), stained the shit out of the bathtub with whatever Manic Panic colors I had decided to mix together that month, threw on an oversized t-shirt that read "NEVERMIND THE SEX PISTOLS" on a near-weekly basis, and was quickly becoming a fixture in a New York City DIY music scene. One of my binders had a big Ramones logo that I had printed out and slipped behind its plastic covering, which only got me cool points with the older teachers at my school and literally seriously no one else at all. My history teacher quipped that me and my friends were all actually just pseudogoths, which was funny at the time and is still funny nearly two decades later.

to the aging pseudogoths of the world, whoever and wherever they may be,

meat xoxo

SPOILERS:

47A (actual confection from my 16th birthday, it was very funny to go into our local grocery store and request this)

51A

2D (nsfw)

19D